Guilt, the worse feeling ever, doesn’t matter small guilt such as cheating a diet or as big as ruining a life of a person (unless you are a psychopath). I want to talk about the guilt of a fading feeling towards a person, a lover. Some of you might have met the person of your life, if you are lucky you stay together, get married(or not its a personal choice). I envy couples who knew each other since they were little, they always tell the sweetest stories of how they grew up together, how much they’ve been through and being so supportive without judging. I didn’t have the luck, but its alright, dating made me stronger and more mature, every failed relationship had taught me a lesson, who to not fall for again (lol).
I would like to share a personal experience, years ago I was dating this guy, lets call him A, we met in secondary school, he was three years older than me, pretty popular because he played the guitar, and really good at it, somehow he liked me, I did felt lucky at the time and was like ‘oh yea I’m dating a rock star in school!’ he was my first serious boyfriend, we had a lot of fun, I remembered the time he had to ask for permission from my parents to take me on a vacation (the old times). We then moved to the UK for our studies, tho we weren’t in the same school, it wasn’t too far away. Everything was doing fine for the first year but still, all the new things and the distance killed it. Sooner, I started to have feelings for another guy (whom became my boyfriend afterwards and that’s another story). A was a really good guy, my best friend, we talked about everything and we thought about the future, we would get married once I graduated, we were so in love and young and innocent. The in-between time was very difficult, I still liked A but my heart was chasing towards the new guy, the guilt of having butterflies, the mixture of the worst and the best feelings was eating me alive. Do I really want to throw away all the memories and promises? what if new guy’s an asshole? what if I’ll never meet a guy as nice an A? what if…..etc…etc. We broke up after almost four years of dating. Regrets? not really. Guilt? yes. What we had was beautiful, I still think about A once in a while, I am glad to have met him and having to be with him, I’ve improved as a human being, I’ve learnt to love, to give and to accept and forgive, the relationship had made me a better me and that’s the most important.
I’ve read a book recently call Wabi-sabi for Artists, Designers, Poets & Philosophers, nothing remains forever, the importance is to appreciate the process so its basically life, and I totally simplified it because there’s some very deep sh!t behind the view of wabi-sabi. Nothingness, feelings, for example, it begins with nothing, and it grows, though time it grows stronger(or weaker), then it fades and eventually, it disappears and back to nothing. Between that ‘nothing’ many things happened, and that’s what matters, through the process it lets us grow, mentally and sadly, physically too.
I don’t believe in ‘the love of my life’, life is not THAT short, as Jim Carrey once said: “I don’t believe in this fairy tale of staying together forever. Ten years with somebody is enough. In ten years, you can give a lot of love.” When you meet someone, you start having feelings, then (maybe) you start dating, after that you sort of just ‘go with it’ by following your heartbeat, and ‘feelings’ take a lot of maintenance, in this current generation, even harder. we had created so many platforms to connect with others, it is so easy to meet people, some got carried away, some got addicted. I was the last generation who would sit beside a landline in the living room and wait for a phone call as promised earlier the day from a friend, or a boy. Then MSN messenger came along and we all became speed typer. As the internet expands, evil thoughts from people started to appear due to how easy is to lie online. I’ve been told from an early age not to trust everything. I miss the old times (made me sound old but meh) because we are in the worse era of dating, although this is not the best, let us not lose faith, I believe the ocean is still crowded with good fishes 🙂